


Happy Feet

by bombshells



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Lucky Luciano - Freeform, Memes, Pick-Up Lines, Texting, crackfic sort of, feet kinks, hunk is Tired, i wrote this at 8 am, lance didn't mean for it to get this far, lance the agent of chaos, lotor and allura are idiots, lotor is just so fucking stupid and lance enables him, lotura are very stupid but very sweet, love kills brain cells, pop culture references, season 6 never happened, tragically gullible characters, very awkward diplomatic situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 23:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bombshells/pseuds/bombshells
Summary: Lance’s practical joke goes too far. Lotor and Allura learn what a foot kink is.





	Happy Feet

So Lotor and Allura were an item. Sure. Cool. Whatever.

They didn’t have to be so _gooey_ about it.

It was embarrassing. They were always whispering about something or other and then one of them would laugh like an idiot. And their hands were always touching under the table. And they kept sending each other cavity-inducing looks across the room. And you couldn’t hold a conversation with one of them before it became _Allura, Allura, Allura_ or _Lotor, Lotor, Lotor_ and Lance was tired, he was so _tired-_

It wasn’t even jealousy. They were just fucking obnoxious. Lance wasn’t alone in his sentiment. When the happy couple were audibly giggling together, Lance could see the deadness in Acxa’s eyes. She already had to contend with Zethrid and Ezor, who had recently gotten engaged and subsequently became the only couple ever to challenge Lotor and Allura’s position as Most Annoying Pair. One day, she was going to shoot all of her friends. Lance figured it was only a matter of time. He kind of wanted to join her.

“Not that I’m not happy for them or anything _,”_ she whispered to him one particularly frustrating day. “But they’ve all turned _stupid.”_

Lance nodded sagely. “Love is terrible.”

“It fucking _is._ ”

But one day changed everything. One day, Lance found the one bright spot in this rose-colored hell.

It was a normal day on the Atlas. Lance, free for a bit, was occupying himself by finishing the last level on Super Darklord Ultimate 4. He was not going to let Pidge beat him again. Let him retain some of his shattered dignity.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Lance called out, not really paying attention.

The door slid open, and there Lotor was, standing very uncomfortably in his doorway, looking like he wanted to launch himself out of airlock. Lance blinked, trying to register.

“Lotor?” he said. He paused, running through possible scenarios of why Lotor had sought him out. _It’s finally payback for that time when I only called him Gilgamesh for a week._ “Are you here to beat me up?”

Lotor was too classy for that- if the need arose, he’d just get Zethrid or Ezor to do it (they’d have fun)- but he was also full of surprises.

“No,” Lotor said, swinging his hands by his sides, very awkwardly. “May I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”

Lotor stepped inside, gave a cursory look around the room, and then sat down, posture stiff, on one of the bean bags next to the television. He looked very out of place. It was like one of those art exhibitions where people put things that don’t fit together in the same painting on purpose, just to make the viewers uncomfortable.

There was a long silence.

“So, uh,” Lance said, fiddling with his controller. “What, uh. What can I do for you?”     

It got weirder. Lotor colored a very deep indigo, staring at his hands. He shuffled his feet. “Well.”

Lance set his controller down. “Well? Spit it out, man.”

Lotor looked to the ceiling. “You mustn’t laugh, or make fun.”

“Because I’ve never done _that_ before.”

“You really mustn’t.”

“Dude, what _is_ it?”

Lotor finally looked him in the eye, and started talking really fast, like he wanted to get the whole thing out at once. “I am not very experienced in this…romance department.”

 _You don’t say,_ Lance thought. He had absolutely no idea where this was going.

“But I need your…” he trailed off, like he was gathering the strength to say something. He closed his eyes, as if steeling himself. “I need your help.”

Lance was too _floored_ by that sentence to even gloat. _Lotor,_ perfect prissy higher-than-thou _Lotor,_ was asking him for help. He wanted to pinch himself.

“My _help?”_ Lance echoed.

Lotor nodded quickly. “I went to Ezor first, but all the –what do you call them?- ‘pickup lines’ _she_ knows only work on lesbians, and I am not a lesbian.”

“I never would’ve guessed.” _Pidge is going to fucking flip when she hears this._ Lance tried to gather his thoughts. “You want me to teach you how to _flirt?”_

“Not _teach_ me. Just…nudge me in the right direction.”

“Aren’t you, like, ten thousand years old?”

Lotor frowned. “I don’t like bringing that up.”

“You’ve _never_ flirted before?”

“I’ve tried,” Lotor said, shifting in his seat. “But my efforts have been…less than stellar, to say the least. I am not a very…” He sighed. “I am not a very…emotive person.”

 _No shit._ “Why me?” Lance said. “Of everyone, you come and tell –me?”

“You are very good at this ‘wooing’ business, I am told,” Lotor said solemnly. “So will you do it?”

He looked so earnest. For all Lance wanted to make fun of him, he couldn’t bring himself to. He’d come to him for help. To woo Allura. Lance hated the little part of himself that thought it was very slightly sweet.

_No, Lance. They’re obnoxious and you will NOT enable them._

“Alright, man, I’ll help.”

Lotor’s face broke out into a grin. “My sincerest thanks!”

Lance passed a hand over his face. “Jesus.”

Lotor frowned again. “Is this the Gilgamesh thing again?”

“No, no, Jesus is, like, a god on Earth…” Lance’s voice trailed off. He had just had a very, very evil idea. A slow grin spread on his face. “How about this. I’ll text you these- these very romantic Earth customs we have, that you can send to Allura. You’ll knock her right off her feet.”

“You think so?”

“Just trust me.”

__

**Private Conversation between lanceylance and emperorlotor**

_lanceylance:_ okay. so here’s the picture.

(1 Attachment)

 _emperorlotor:_ It looks like a normal man.

 _lanceylance:_ thats lucky luciano. hes an ancient earthen god of love.

 _emperorlotor:_ Oh, my apologies. Why is he lucky?

 _lanceylance:_ he has the power to invoke eternal love between any two people in the universe no matter what, but only if you look at him and say this invocation: “you know I had to do it to em”

 _emperorlotor:_ What’s “it”?

 _lanceylance:_ what

 _emperorlotor:_ What’s the thing he had to do to “em”?

 _lanceylance:_ he had to invoke eternal love!!!!! its his duty to spread love in the universe bc if he didn’t we’d all hate each other!!! jesus, lotor, keep UP

 _emperorlotor:_ I see, I see, my apologies. What an interesting culture. Are you sure this is something that would woo her?

 _lanceylance:_ believe me, girls love that kind of thing. it’s like top-tier romance at home. people cry

 _emperorlotor:_ Alright. Thank you, Lance :)

 _lanceylance:_ go get em tiger

__

He felt guilty, he had to admit. But the absolute fun he was having outweighed anything else.

**Private Conversation between emperorlotor and sparklyallura**

_emperorlotor:_ Hello, Allura. I have something to show you.

 _sparklyallura:_ Hello, Lotor! What is it?

_emperorlotor:_

(1 Attachment)

This is Lucky Luciano. According to my sources, he is an ancient Earthen god of love. He has the power to seal eternal love between anyone in the universe.

 _sparklyallura:_ wow…

 _emperorlotor:_ Would you like to seal ours?

 _sparklyallura:_ how??? :D

 _emperorlotor:_ Repeat after me. You know I had to do it to em.

 _sparklyallura:_ You know I had to do it to em.

 _emperorlotor:_ Our love is sealed forever :) But I guess we didn’t need Luciano to help us with that.

 _sparklyallura:_ That’s so sweet!!!! <3

 _emperorlotor:_ I’m glad you liked it. <3

___

**Private Conversation between emperorlotor and lanceylance**

_emperorlotor:_ Lance, it worked! She thinks it is sweet! Thank you very much!

Lance gaped at his phone for a solid ten minutes. While he had been having way too much fun, he didn’t think he’d get this far.

“Holy fucking shit.”

__

“Who are you texting?” Hunk said. He and Lance were sitting together on a couch, just hanging out. He’d seen Lance grinning maliciously at his phone, which literally never boded well.

“Lotor.”

“What? Why are you texting _Lotor?_ ”

“He came to me asking for advice on how to flirt with Allura a while ago. So every day, I’ve been sending him memes and telling him that they’re ancient earth courting customs. He _believes_ me. And get this: Allura’s eating it right up. She’s actually _wooed.”_

Hunk burst out laughing. “Oh, my- Oh my _god,_ Lance. That’s-” Hunk wheezed. “It’s super sweet that it’s working, but- God, Lance, that’s so mean of you.”

“It’s funny as shit. Yesterday he sent her a picture of that damn polite cat meme Matt is so obsessed with, and told her while the cat was considered the most beautiful creature on Earth, her beauty exceeded it, in his words, ‘hundredfold’.” Lance grinned victoriously. “My teaching.”

“ _Dude.”_

Lance closed his eyes, very pleased with himself.

“If they find out, you’re going to fucking die, man.” Hunk looked afraid for him. “This is _Lotor and Allura.”_

“I’ll milk it for as long as it takes.” Lance suppressed fear at the thought of a murderous couple of royal aliens after his life. “I’ve got it covered.”

“What did you send him now?”

Lance showed him the messages.

“ _Feet pics,_ Lance? _Feet pics?”_

“Let’s see how this one goes down.”

“This is so stupid, like-” Hunk paused in his reading of the chat. “ ‘ _My grandmother agreed to marry my grandfather JUST because of how romantic his feet pictures were?’_ Where do you get this stuff?”

 “Creative genius.”

___

**Private Conversation between emperorlotor and lanceylance**

_emperorlotor:_ Thanks again, Lance! :)

 _lanceylance:_ how’d she like it

 _emperorlotor:_ She thinks I have cute toes. What does that mean?

 _lanceylance:_ ogkfmkefmrjgn

 _emperorlotor:_ What is the matter?

 _lanceylance:_ that means it’s workingggg!!! good on you, casanova ;)

Lance typed the final response while his mind was reeling with the knowledge that Allura had an apparent thing for toes. It was more information than he had ever wanted to know. He didn’t know what to do with it.

“Being a wingman is a difficult job,” Lance said to himself, mentally patting himself on the back.

__

The diplomatic function was going great. Everyone was getting along, the food was good, and best of all, the couples were too caught up in diplomacy to act embarrassing.

Lance sipped his drink and recounted an old story to a bunch of admiring fans from some planet. He was having a great time. It was right up his alley. He had barely had a free minute all night. There finally came a lull in the activity, though. Lance looked around for a conversation to join.

He spotted Lotor and Allura in one corner, speaking genially with the secretary-general of the UN. They seemed to be enjoying it, so Lance got closer, maybe to try to see what they were talking about.

As soon as he got in earshot, though, he wished he didn’t.

“Courting methods vary from planet to planet, of course,” said the secretary-general, gesturing with his flute of champagne. “I’ve come across a few…unique ones in my time, for sure.”

“As have we,” said Lotor easily, with his big diplomat smile on. “We’ve been informed of some very interesting customs from Earth.”

“Oh, do tell!” said the secretary-general, politely amused.

 _Oh, no._ Lance could do nothing but listen in horror as the tragedy set itself in motion. _Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no-_

“There are certainly many eccentric ones,” Allura laughed. “But we found the one about exchanging pictures of feet to be sweet, albeit slightly…novel.”

_Oh, sweet Jesus._

Lance dared to peek at the secretary-general’s face, and wished he hadn’t. His mouth was frozen in a little shocked _o._ He was beginning to perspire.

Allura’s smile faltered. “Mister Secretary-General? Have I offended you?”

The secretary-general took a long sip of champagne, then cleared his throat. “Ah, I, um. I’m not sure where you got that fact, Your Highness.”

“How come?” Lotor said innocently. “It came from a trusted source. Could there have been a miscommunication?”

“A pretty drastic one, I’m afraid.”

“I would hate to be offensive. What is the problem?”

“Ah, you see, Your Highnesses…”

And then Lance was subjected to the mental torture of listening to the secretary-general of the United Nations explain what a foot kink was to two members of alien royalty.

 _I want to die,_ Lance thought. _I want to die._

“My deepest apologies, Mister Secretary-General,” Allura said faintly after the ordeal was over. “I’ll be sure to check my sources. I am sincerely sorry if we were offensive.”

“It’s no matter at all. The meaning was probably just lost in translation. An honest mistake,” the secretary-general heh-heh’d nervously, and Lotor forced out a bark of laughter that sounded like someone had stabbed him in his vocal chords.

“If you may excuse us, Mister Secretary-General,” Allura said, her hand gripping Lotor’s arm in an iron grip. She took him a ways away from the politician, and Lance could hear their whispered conversation.

“Where did you get that- that foot picture information? That was the most _mortifying_ experience of my _life!”_

“I had no idea,” Lotor said tersely. He’d gone very pale. “I don’t understand how that happened, Lance told me-” he stopped talking, suddenly. “Lance.”

Then, together, with realization, and deep, deep hatred: “ _Lance.”_

At that moment, Lance knew, for the first time, what true fear was. He could feel their baleful, betrayed gaze on his back. Death, he knew, would not be swift. It would be long. Long and painful. His penance.

__

**Private Conversation between mechanicalramsay and lanceylance**

_mechanicalramsay:_ do you know why lotor and allura are looking at you like they want to stab you in the eyeball

 _lanceylance:_ hunk, if I die, I want you to have my yugioh card collection

 _mechanicalramsay:_ tf

 _mechanicalramsay:_ they know, don’t they. what the fuck did you do

 _mechanicalramsay:_ they’re talking to zethrid run for your LIFE

 _lanceylance:_ fucking SHIT

 _mechanicalramsay:_ godspeed

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my bud ripley who created this shitstorm of a fic with me last night. shout-out to him for having late night lotor crying convos. we should've written this show
> 
> anyway i'm sorry you had to see this. kudos and comments are highly appreciated!


End file.
